My ‘abusive boyfriend jeans’ inner-voice!
At last, I owned them, they were my magical unicorn.
‘They’ were a pair of white jeans made by my favourite designer, Paige.
I loved these jeans, they were my favourite jeans. I even paid full price for them, and I never pay full price for anything. I buy consignment. I had waited and waited to find these jeans, I had dreamt of them.
Eventually, I gave in and bought them new. I paid the full $250.
They were beautiful, they were perfect, and I adored them.
They were kind and loving to me. They flattered me and told me I look good. They made me feel proud and confident. Basically, I thought they were perfect and that they would love me forever.
One day they started to nag at me. They would say “are you gaining a little weight?”
I was sure they were just looking after me, looking after my best interest, because don’t forget they loved me.
What felt like overnight they turned into what I eventually ended up calling my
‘abusive boyfriend jeans’.
If I gained even so much as half a pound they would sneer at me, they would look at me and say ‘look at you, you’re fat, you’re ugly, your weak, why can’t you be like when I met you?’
Eventually, I stop trying to wear them. I put them in the back of my wardrobe, hoping to silence that voice.
They did become a little quieter, but the voice was still there. I would hear it whispering at me, ‘you are fat, you are weak, you are unworthy’.
I let them do this to me, silently promising them I would get stronger and thinner so that they would love me again.
Every time I went to my wardrobe, they would taunt me. ‘Still fat huh…come on girl, I can’t be seen in public with you looking like that’.
One day I finally realised they had to go. I no longer had room in my life for my abusive boyfriend. To be honest with you, it took about 2 years for me to get to this level.
But, firstly I had to prove to them that I was worthy, so I had to diet down like crazy, so I could wear them for one last time.
I began the arduous task of losing the 5 to 7 lbs required to be lovable again.
Man, that was tough!
I did it but figured it would only last for a day or 2, so I had to act fast.
I couldn’t face just giving them away. You can’t just pass on an abusive boyfriend to another person.
No, they had to be destroyed!
This was hard because they loved me again. ‘You are good, you are attractive, I am proud to be seen with you’. I promise to always be kind to you, you can do this!’
I stayed true to my word and destroyed them.
I enlisted the help of a trusted friend who understood my shame, as let’s be honest, that’s what I had been feeling, took them outside and burnt them.
We literally set fire to them, and it felt great. Liberating and freeing.
The ceremonial side of this helped with the emotional impact of feeling like a failure.
Destroying them felt a lot more finite than knowing they were still out there.
I honestly thought that was it, no more inner voices telling me that I am not good enough.
So why couldn’t the unkind bully of an inner voice be as easy to destroy as the jeans?
I have always had a loud internal monologue. I assumed we all did. I run through everything, my day, what I wish I had said, my worries and my pep talks. I guess in all of that noise, the noise of the malicious voice just melded in.
Burning the jeans was my 1st step towards awareness.
We all have this voice, the voice of doubt, or why bother you’ll only fail or be rejected. You don’t want to look stupid, do you?
The skill, and it is a skill that needs to be learnt and practised, is to hear it quickly and then silence it.
Identify the voice, even try giving it a name. I am a firm believer that naming something makes it easier to identify, and therefore deal with it more effectively.
Once you know the voice, recognise that it is not your friend and that it is not there to help or advise you. The voice is there to undermine you.
If you had a friend that kept coming round to your house to say that you are fat, or ugly or unworthy, would stop inviting them in? I hope so!
Well, stop inviting this false friend in too. You can’t set fire to it in reality, but you can imagine taking it out, putting it in a box and locking it away.
The ‘abusive boyfriend jeans’ inner voice still keeps coming to visit, but I recognise it faster now even when the voice starts small or seemingly innocuous.
‘Are you sure you should be trying that?’
‘I am just protecting you from embarrassment’
‘It’s better to put that off until you are 100% ready’
